Lyrics & Interpretations: Age Old Pain

 

Oh, so lone, I’m feeling old and broken

Feel like I’ve told all my stories to anyone caring enough to listen

Must I, do I really have to try another time to fill my life with meaning,

purposeful expressions

It’s absurd in just one lifetime to pull off this puzzle

I’ve accumulated failures for millennia

 

So throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

Throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

 

I’m living a dream, I ought to be happy

I cry at my sight, and the mirror laughs back at me

My problem is not to find myself – the opposite –

the problem is I can’t lose it, and I don’t like him

 

Throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

Throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

 

Throw me a parade

Throw me a parade

 

My factor presets, inner disposition,

It’s meltdown, cohesion, coercive completion

I used to be a wanderer, my path’s at an end

don’t want to start over,

I wish light would bend

in other directions, reflections are void

I tore into pieces, my soul’s on the floor

 

Throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

Throw me a parade, hurray,

I have found the age old pain

 

Throw me a parade

Throw me a parade

____________

This song is one of the most personal I’ve ever written. I had to dig so deep, and got so affected by what I was writing, that I actually had to take a pause and come back after a couple of days! It was just to much to deliver in one session. In a way it’s a bit self-explanatory, that pain sometimes come in such an overwhelming shape that it completely takes you over. The burden on my shoulders weighs so heavy that it feels like I’ve somehow reached a deeper well of trauma and pain than you could reasonably accumulate in the mere 36 years I’ve lived thus far. It feels as if my very cells are inscribed with traumas of the past, like there is information being transfered from elsewhere, into my situation, into the now.

To some extent I believe that this is possible. I don’t believe in reincarnation as such, that a soul skips between material vehicles (a human, a frog, a dog, another human etc). I do, however, believe that subjectivity is enacted on multiple levels at any given time. We are the relations we are involved in. The nature of the universe is the relation of different parts to one another. There is no real boundaries closing off the Jonatan-molecules from the friend-molecules sitting next to me. There is just a flow of a long sequence of various formations of atoms, neutrons, quarks. There is no ‘shield’, even though we may think of our skin as a frontier ‘against’ the world.

Experiments in physics and biology, as well as postmodern philosophical thought prove and gives us a language where we can actually see that subjectivity is also happening on ‘smaller’ levels, that we are unaware of. We think of ourselves as a unified ‘mind’, but that’s not really true. A human consists of ten times more bacteria than cells. Still we don’t count the bacteria as part of our bodies. Until we have a cold and the bacteria totally takes over what we usually think of as our minds, as well as our bodies. I sometimes jokingly say that we are never as good at mindfulness as when we are sick. Then all of a sudden, we’re totally in our body, feeling very sorry for ourselves. But these bacteria, as well as mold, formations of cells etc display a level of (not consciousness but) subjectivity. There is a drive in them to do more than just react passively to stimuli. At least if we think that it’s a matter of always reacting in the same way. Bacteria, cells, mold, can communicate and adapt. Not merely abide by an already given blue-print to which they are 100% enslaved. The are imprinted with new information in time.

From a natural scientific point of view, nothing disappears, everything just transforms. So when we die, our bodies immediately start transforming to other things, energy, information, cells, bacteria start doing other things. And who is to say that some residual information is not copied onto the next thing they transform into? We don’t really know what cells and bacteria are capable of. But, like I said, we can see through scientific experiments, that they are not completely enslaved under some natural law. There is also agency. There is unexpected information-sharing.

So when I think about having found what feels like an age old pain, I’m open to the fact that my traumas are perhaps not only mine. That there is a deep tragic accumulation of chock, trauma and pain, and that I’m all too receptive to this, as the pinnacle of the information-gathering now resides in me – is me.

 

 

Ten Walls’ album ”Queen” is out now. Get it on iTunes today!

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